Caring for an Ill Aging Parent | Optum Care WA Blog

A few years ago, I visited my 86-year-old father in Florida. He told me he had lung cancer. He said, “At my age, I’m a sitting duck for something like this!” He felt he had lived a long, good life and decided not to get treatment, letting nature take its course.

I was shocked and upset. My brother and I called each other often, worrying and planning how to help. My father was also taking care of his wife, who had Parkinson’s disease. We were concerned about how his illness would progress and what they would need. My father lived in New York City most of the year, while I lived in Seattle and my brother in Boston.

When a parent gets sick, adult children often have to take on new roles and responsibilities. This can be scary and can change your relationship with your parent. Before this, I had a distant relationship with my father. But after learning he didn’t have much time left (one or two years), I wanted to get closer to him. I was also recovering from foot surgery, so I called him every day during my recovery.

Navigating caregiving challenges

Older age brings many health issues that can be complicated and require a lot of care. Diseases like Alzheimer’s, heart disease, and cancer can last a long time. Modern medicine can extend life but not always improve its quality. I thought a lot about my role as my father’s health got worse.

Now, both my parents have passed away, and my children are concerned about my wife and me as we get older. Many people from my generation, the baby boomers, are over 65 now. Their children, Generation X, and Millennials are wondering about their responsibilities to their parents. They ask questions like: What should I do if my parents become sick? Should they live with us? How will this affect my family and marriage? These are important questions to think about before your parents need help.

Usually, it’s adult daughters who take on caregiving. These daughters, who are also mothers, wives, and employees, can feel very stretched with these new duties. Their spouses and children might feel neglected because of the attention given to the older generation.

Old conflicts between parents and children can come up again. Siblings might also have conflicts, feeling left out or unfairly burdened. It’s important to work through these issues without causing hard feelings.

Finding closure and support

During my father’s illness, I traveled from Seattle to New York City once a month. I took the red-eye flight on Thursday night, returned Sunday night, and went to work on Monday morning. My brother also visited our father once a month, so he had two long visits each month. It was a tiring, painful, and sad year watching my father’s health decline. But my trips to New York helped me grow closer to him.

During these times, adults think about hard questions: Who are my parents? What is our relationship like? Do we know each other well? Did we meet each other’s expectations? These questions make you reflect deeply.

When my father’s illness got worse and became acute, my brother and I spent the last three weeks of his life with him. Near the end, he held our hands and said, “You both have been good boys.” He then died a few days later.

What more can a son ask for?

Here are some tips for dealing with a parent’s illness:

• Make sure your parents have chosen a healthcare proxy, someone who can make health decisions for them if they can’t. Washington state has forms for this, like Advanced Directives (living will), Physicians Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST), and Power of Attorney.
• Talk to your parents about their end-of-life wishes. These are tough but important conversations. Adult children need to know what medical treatments their parents want or don’t want at the end of their lives. This should be discussed with their primary care doctor.
• Communicate regularly with siblings. It’s important to keep in touch, especially if you are the healthcare proxy and some siblings live far away. Regular communication can prevent conflicts.
• Only one relative should talk to your parent’s doctors. It’s stressful for doctors to repeat the same information to multiple siblings. Have one person be the main contact.
• Take care of yourself. When my parents were at the end of their lives, I took time off work to care for them, which is possible through the Family Leave Act. But I also kept exercising and meditating to take care of myself.
• Don’t be afraid to get help. Dealing with a parent’s illness and end-of-life issues can be very stressful. Behavioral health resources can be very helpful. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Visit our website for a list of Optum Care Washington behavioral health providers, or call 1-425-339-5453.

Written by Paul Schoenfeld, PhD
Retired psychiatrist of 30 years with Optum Care Washington